Marissa’s (Maybe Magnified) Mandates to Herself and the World

  • If you ask me to repost something on Facebook that says at the bottom: “99% of you won’t repost this,” I don’t care how much I liked the post or even desired to share it…it will be for that very reason that I won’t.
  • No, watching five consecutive episodes of Bones, Vampire Diaries, or Once Upon a Time does not make me lazy or obsessed…I’m doing book research into how well their screenplays were written, of course. Netflix is a worthy client in this line of my work and should be conferenced regularly. Take notes, people.
  • If you show me anything related to a cat, do not be surprised or alarmed when I suddenly turn into an eight year old and squeal something along the lines of “KITTY!!!” When this happens I am not to be judged or accused of immaturity – you brought this misfortune upon yourself.
  • True southern sweet tea is from the Lord. I believe it came straight from his mind’s eye to his heart to his table to my cup. It is to be treasured, appreciated, and drank as such.
  • Anything remotely new within my line of interest is to be reacted to with the upmost wonder and excitement. It is then to be followed with a cheesy happy dance of my invention, then self-laughter at my pathetic white girl moves.
  • I must make the world a better place by making everything around me better than it was before. This will be enforced, of course, when I rule the world.
  • And when I do rule the world, it will be finally be prioritized that all ants are of the devil, the most dangerous and terrifying enemies of the state, and should be exterminated, extinct-ified, and utterly destroyed effective immediately. (I have a phobia of ants).
  • Reversely to the previous mandate, it is to be known that God is a pretty cool guy and should be discussed frequently. If he was on Earth today like he was 2000 years ago, I would probably ask him to autograph my Bible and then go have a glass of sweet tea with him somewhere and discuss which superhero is his favorite. Ok, dually noted, I should let HIM rule the world. He is probably much more suited for that sort of thing than I am.
  • There is a very special song of my people (it’s probably a southern thing) that must be contained within my person for fear of breaking social protocol. However, when I’m eating something unequivocally delicious (probably something with salt, butter, sugar, or a combination of the three), it has been known to escape me in minor amounts via humming different variations of “mmm.” Just let it go. And if a happy dance burst forth, don’t hinder it. Lord knows what I would do if I kept it in all the time.
  • Do not be fooled – paper cuts or any other minor injury on the finger are exceedingly more painful than they look and are to be taken very seriously. Treat with Neosporin and Spongebob Bandages for best results. No matter how many people think I’m crazy for needing it, it’s my life in jeopardy, not theirs.
  • Note to self: out of respect for Thanksgiving and for my own sanity, I will go against the flow of society that somehow thinks that decorating for Christmas in early November and playing its music year round is somehow delightful. This is for my own protection, after all…because if I have to hear “All I Want for Christmas is You” one more time, I may just vomit in the mistletoe.

If you know anything about me, you’ll find these silly mandates entertaining. If not, then I hope you enjoyed this small insight into the eccentric being that is Marissa. I will probably add more as time goes by, so keep checking in! Until then, I certainly hope you enjoy them! What are some of your mandates?


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